AL-HIKMAT - THE WISDOM WEBSITE Serving the Muslim and Non-Muslim Community for the past 28 years, through the distribution of publications, DVD's, CD's, radio & TV shows, lectures, seminars, dialogues etc.,establishing tolerance and better understanding among different faiths and cultures. AL QUR'AAN Ch: 16 V: 125 “Invite To the Way of Thy Lord With Hikmat” (Wisdom).
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone. “But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?” “I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used.” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
MARRY
SIXTEEN
WOMEN
A little boy was attending a wedding ceremony. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said:
4 better
4 worse
4 richer
4 poorer
Total: 16
Ant
Killer
A mother calls 911, very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!”
~ ~ ~
Life is tough.
It's even tougher
if you're stupid!!!!
~ ~ ~
How to Stop People
from bugging you
about
Getting Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped, after I started telling them at funerals. 'You are next.'
A Polish man moved to CANADA
and married a CANADIAN girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting
a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Polish man: Yes, an acre and
half and nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is
the foundation of this case?
Polish man: It made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you
understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
Polish man: No, we have
carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean. What are your
relations like?
Polish man: All my relations
still in Poland ...
Lawyer: Is there any
infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat
you up?
Is your wife a nagger?
Polish man: No, she's white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this
divorce?
Polish man: She's going to
kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think
that?
What kind of proof?
Polish man: She's going to
poison me. She bought a bottle, at drugstore and put on shelf, in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
LOVE
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...You either married it or gave birth to it!
* * * * *
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
* * * * *
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Doc, I’m In One Heck Of a Hurry
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
Submitted by: Sis. Elisha Majeed
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’ The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?” The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
AHUSBAND’S WISH
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck,” said the director. “Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied, “I hung him up to dry.”______________________________A husband leaned over a well, made a wish and threw in a penny. His wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too far, and fell into the well and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while, but then he smiled and thought, “It really works!”
_____________________________________
Two girls were talking about their future husbands. One told the other that she would marry an archaeologist. Her friend then asked, “Why?” She replied, “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
November 2010
Dumb is easy - Smart is hard Bad is easy - Good is hard - Losing is easy - Winning is hard. Talking is easy - Listening is hard Watching TV is easy - Reading is hard Giving advice is easy - Taking advice is hard Flab is easy - Muscle is hard Stop is easy - Go is hard Dirty is easy - clean is hard Take is easy - Give is hard Dream is easy - Think is hard Lying is easy - Truth is hard Sleeping is easy - Waking is hard Talking about God is easy - Praying to God is hard. Holding a grudge is easy - Forgiving is hard. Telling a secret is easy -Keeping a secret is hard. Play is easy - Work is hard Falling is easy - Getting up is hard Spending is easy - Saving is hard Eating is easy - Dieting is hard. Doubt is easy - Faith is hard Laughter is easy - Tears are hard Criticizing is easy - Taking criticism is hard Hanging on is easy - Letting go is hard Secret sin is easy - Confession is hard Pride is easy - Humility is hard Excusing oneself is easy - Excusing others is hard Borrowing is easy - Paying back is hard Argument is easy - Negotiation is hard Naughty is easy - Nice is hard Cowardice is easy - Bravery is hard Messy is easy - Neat is hard War is easy - Peace is hard Sarcasm is easy - Sincerity is hard Growing weeds is easy - Growing flowers is hard Reaction is easy - Action is hard Can’t do is easy - Can do is hard Feasting is easy - Fasting is hard Following is easy - Leading is hard Having friend is easy - Being a friend is hard Dying is easy - Living is hard. Submitted by: AL-HAYA Youth Sis. Shereen
OCTOBER-2010
MiSCHIEVOUS Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak to her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in the morning, then the older boy in the afternoon, to see the clergyman. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother gasped for breath and replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!”
Humor - September. 2010
CLEVER LAWYER A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put,’ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
CLEVER HUSBAND A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?" He says, "I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
August 2010
Goodbye Mother A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I’m very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.My wife is missingThe man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."HA HA HA
JULY 2010 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Newly Married Couple
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey, the woman replied sweetly, ‘I would have married you, NO MATTER WHOLEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
PRETTY FACE/COOKING A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my cooking?’He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
Month Of June 2010
A MASJID BOARD MEETING A place where most of the time someone gets up to speak, has nothing to say, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.
A MASJID POLITICIAN WHO LOST ELECTION
Someone who is lucky, because he doesn’t have to explain why he didn’t keep his campaign promises. "A Masjid committee is mostly composed of people, who are always sick and who are always absent because they are always busy." "A Masjid committee is mostly composed of people who can do nothing or University graduates who come together to conclude that nothing can be done."
Month of May 2010
GROOM WEARING BLACK
A Dentist called his patient and told her that her CHECK came back. The patient responded to the doctor by saying: My TOOTHACHE also came back.
* * * * * A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to Masjid for Jumuah Khutbah/sermon, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during the FRIDAY KHUTBAH/SERMON ?" One bright little boy replied, "Because people are normally sleeping during the sermon."
* * * * * A little boy was overheard praying: "God, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time of my life right now.
* * * * * Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain. The girl thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Month
of April 2010
Before Marriage John
Says:
John - Ah..At last, I can hardly wait! Jane - Do
you want me
to leave? John - NO! Don’t even think about it. Jane - Do you love
me? John - Of course! Always have and always will! Jane - Have you
ever
cheated on me? John - NO! Why are you even asking? Jane - Will you
kiss
me? John - Every chance I get! Jane - Will you hit me? John -
Hell no!
Are you crazy?! Jane - Can I trust you? John - Yes Jane -
Darling!
After Marriage
John says: Read from below back to the
top!
Month
of March 2010
Wife without Her Husband
An English professor wrote the words, “Wife without her husband is nothing,” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men in class wrote: “Wife, without her husband, is nothing.” The women in class wrote: “Wife! Without her, husband is nothing.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Living with Mother-In-Law
An old man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me .. just let your wife know that your mother would be coming to live with you’ll.”
Month of February 2010
A Good Wife
Submitted by: Brother Mahmoud Ayesh
*After marriage, a husband and wife become two sides
of a coin;
they just can’t face each other, even though they live together.
*Marriage is good: If you get a good wife, you’ll be
happy. If
you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
*Some wives inspire husbands to do great things, and
them
prevent them from achieving them.
*A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s
wrong.
*Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Month of January 2010 THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’ MAN: ‘Yes’ WOMAN: ‘I
am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2, 000. Is
it OK if I buy it?’ MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw
one I really liked.’ MAN: ‘How much?’ WOMAN: ‘ $ 90,000’ MAN: ‘OK, but
for that price I want it with all the options.’ WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one
more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking
$ 980,000' MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it’s
really a pretty good deal.’ WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so
much!’ MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in
the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns
and asks: ‘Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?’
Submitted by: Sis. Suraiya Ali / Trinidad
W.I
HA HA HA HA
HA!!!
DECEMBER 2009:
POLITICS
Many people spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you. If a person is well-informed on world issues, he can run for political office. And if the voters are ignorant, he will get elected. Most politicians believe- you can’t fool all the people all the time , but you must fool them during the election campaign.
MAY 2009:
Understanding Your
Wife
A man walking on the beach was deep
in prayer. Then an angel appeared and spoke to him saying that, because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him. The man said he wanted a
bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there.The angel said his materialistic wish
was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he
should think of another wish. The man thought for a time, then said he wished
that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why
she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong. The angel thought
for a while, then replied, “it is easier to build a bridge with four lanes for
you - for even angels have difficulties understanding your
wife.”
JUNE 2009:
BAD LUCK
After 30 years of marriage, a
husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. “But Why,” she pleaded,
“how could you want to divorce me after all the problems we’ve been through
together? Remember, just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I
stood by your side. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was
there for you.Then when you were falsely accused of robbery, I stood by you.
Then when you lost your business, I stayed with you. And when that fire
destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We’ve been
through so much.” “That’s why I want a divorce, - you’re just bad luck.”
JULY 2009:
Old Age HONEY !
An
elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was
impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.. The couple had
been married for 70 years & clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host saying, “I
think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife
those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head, “I have to tell you the
truth,” he said. “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago & I’m scared
to death to ask her what it is.” HA HA HA HA HA HA
AUGUST 2009:
Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means
‘Without Information Fighting Every time !” Wife replies, ‘No, it means ‘With
Idiot For Ever’!!!’
Difference between Confident & Confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and
confidential? Dad says, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend
over there, is also my son, that’s confidential! ‘
Husband’s Toothbrush
Husband: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?’ Wife: ‘I clean the toilet.’ Husband: ‘How does that help?’
Wife: ‘I use your toothbrush.
NOVEMBER: 09
The Happy Groom
“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure
you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.” “But
I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew. “I know,”
replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean, today is your last day to be
happy”
Marriage
After Many Years Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners.So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”.Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
October 2009 Issue
GOOD LUCK with your WIFE
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we got married.”
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
September 2009 Issue
WOMAN SPEEDINGVS THE COP
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The
Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer
2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
May Issue 2008
Politicians Buried Alive
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t dead, but I didn’t believe them, because you know how politicians tell lies all the time.” *************
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
AL HIKMAT HUMOR
March Issue 2008
WIFE’S NEW CAR
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
HUSBAND FORGETS
Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
IDEAL MARRIAGE
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
*************************************
The Doctor & The Plumber
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for 10 minutes, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.” The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
A husband and wife went to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral. As the husband began to cry, his wife slapped him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother when she was alive! The husband replied, that’s why I am crying, I thought I saw her moving, as though she was still alive.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." .............................................................................
*OLD MAN FEELS LIKE A BABY
These two old gentlemen were sitting and talking. Joe says to Slim, "You know I am 85 yrs old, and I just ache & hurt all over I can't understand why, tell me, you are the same age as I, how about you, don't you have the same problem?"
Slim says, "Heck no, I feel great, just like a new born baby. no hair, no teeth, & I think I just wet my pants."
*Marriage
Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
*Sometimes getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
*A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.
*When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave had to take all the kids."
*A little boy asked his father - Daddy, how much does it cost to get married - The father replied, I don't know son - because I am still paying for it.
*A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?" The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Getting to heaven. .............................................................................
*IMAAM LOOKING FOR POST OFFICE Once an Imaam was looking for a post office, to mail a letter. He asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy showed him, the Imaam thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Masjid for Jumua, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. The boy said, "You don't even know your way to the post office - how are you going to show me the way to heaven"
An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE THE LORD! Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD, GOD, I NEED FOOD! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!" The next day the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries, and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" The neighbor jumped from behind the bushes and said, "Ha..Ha. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them!" "And why is that, may I ask?" the Imaam replied.
* The groom says to his lovely bride - Honey, I need to go to work, I'll see you pretty soon? The bride said with a sad voice - Why, don't you see me PRETTY NOW.
*A reporter interviewed a 135-year-old woman. And what do you think is the best thing about being over a hundred years old? the reporter asked. She simply replied, No peer pressure.
Muslims Early For Jumua
One bright, beautiful Friday morning, everyone in the town woke up early and went to the Masjid for Jumua. Before the sermon started, the people were talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the pulpit, Satan appeared - shocked, to see so many Muslims early for Jumua!! Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from satan.
Soon, everyone evacuated from the Masjid, except one man, who sat calmly , seemingly surprised to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in the Masjid. This confused Satan .
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Hey, don’t you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren’t you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain’t."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren’t you afraid of me?"
The Man says, "Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years - therefore I know how to keep you under control."
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